Hello and welcome to the latest edition of Grey Matter. I’ve made no promises and I intend to keep none of them. But first of all it is customary to say thank you to my sub-editors (Whoever the fuck you are). More elusive than Saddam Hussein, and about as good as writing articles. Submissions have been almost better than usual due some prolific members of the JCR. However this is no issue of Private Eye but it is also no issue of Viz. Highbrow and Lowbrow articles have been thrown into this melting pot of a magazine. Anyway, as my mother always used to say: “Fuck it, you can’t please all of the people, all of the time, so fuck the lot of them” And on that note I bid you a-jew, Your illustrious editor, Grant Martin esq. New shower block to be installed next to the college bar Seven polar bears die in the making of Martyn Chamberlain’s new wig Fresher seen in the bar drinking two pints— has not been seen since Dodgy Edam blamed for copious vomiting after Winter Wonderland of Cheese Next business formal to be held in a room in Hollingside New history of Grey College book reveals real name of FTC is in fact Full of Total Cunts Wibble arrested in Minority Report style preemptive paedophile strike Palatinate may say who is the most powerful in the University but Grey Matter is here to lay down the law on the distribution of power within Grey... 1) Sarah Chamberlain—How much wine we drink at formals, whether Martyn is allowed down to the bar, she calls the shots and wears the trousers! 2) The CU—They decide who gets elected, either through block voting or higher influences. Also handy if you want to get an e-mail out to the whole college. 3) Edd “A motion a meeting makes me feel important” Brunner—Desperately clinging on to any dreams of his heyday as VP, where there is a pie, Bummer’s fingers are never far away… 4) Grant “Massive Zoom” Martin— You’re female, you’re at Grey College, Grant has a photo of your breasts. Blackmail is a powerful thing… 5) Simon Smith—The licence to put whatever he chooses on the most viewed website in Durham University gets “Cyber fuck” in at 5. Eyebrows were raised and tongues began wagging at the start of this term when Chris “Made it big” Fennimore turned up for work. And no, he hadn’t just bought a new shirt and tie combo or found a way to count how much food was wasted by greedy students – He’d bought himself one of those flashy Audi TTs!!! Of course the first cry was one of “Embezzlement”, but it turns out that Chris is so far above board that he can only just see it as a speck on the ground. As many of you will have realised Chris was not just born with an incredible ability to control a kitchen effectively, he was also blessed with the looks of Adam Woodyatt the Eastenders super-star. In those few hours when he is not cooking up a storm in the dining hall Chris appears all over the country as an Ian Beal-a-like. Weddings, Bar-Mitzvahs, Supermarket openings and funerals. No job is too big or too small for the man himself. Commanding over £500 for each appearance it only took him two months to earn enough to stroll into the Audi Garage and pay cash for his flashy new car. However, the sad thing about this is that the real Ian Beale drives a J-Reg Mondeo and has to buy his kids clothes from Walford market. It turns out that working for Eastenders is not the meal ticket it used to be. Plummeting viewing figures mean that Ian can only dream of the days when he used to be earning as much as Fennimore is now. Now I am not insinuating that Chris is living off other people’s misfortunes, but perhaps we can all take a minute to think about how cruel the fate of men is. And he’s not after capturing your foolish behaviour either. On the contrary, this hideously hormonal man/boy (delete as appropriate), your very own Grey matter sub editor in fact, will stop at nothing to satisfy his perverted needs. Don’t be fooled by his seemingly harmless flirtation, or rumours that he bats for the other team. The photo says it all… shirt rippage and camera-boob action. Ben’s get-your-tits-out-forthe-boys ideology is leaving damsels in distress all over college. Be warned. Make sure your breasts are in the right hands! Being the Master of Vice at Grey College is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. Current stock: Audi TT Convertible—one careful celebrity look-a-like owner. Only default is “no more lamb hotpot you bastard” scratched into the bonnet. John Deer “Gator” - Handy little ran-a-round this one, feel like Pete the Porter as you whiz around the streets of Durham with the wind in your ginger skin-head. Effective immediately cleaners will not be dodging vibrators to get into students rooms. Bins will be shaken for two minutes maximum and any wank-rags left in there will stay there indefinitely. Any sink that looks like it has been pissed in will be cleaned with the students own toothbrush. You have been warned you little shits Thank you dearly Ann Housekeeper Following on from the roaring success of adopting a village in Tanzania the Charities Committee are beginning to look closer to home. This poor Surrey village is brimming with filthy rich toffs. However, all is not well. Some children in the village have had to start working in order to fund their Gap years swimming with Dolphins and building Opium dens in Thailand. In fact - last Christmas one of the villagers only got a Playstation 2 and an X-box, when all of the other children got a gamecube as well. You can’t ignore this kind of suffering. So please, all we ask is £1,500 a month to go towards tennis lessons, recreational drugs and the new 2005 Crew rugby shirt. A rah is for life, not just for Christmas Grey College Staff Top Trumps Name: Anthony Cleaver Hours per week: 20 Bitterness: 1 Hatred of students: 1 Intimidation factor: 6 Competence: 3 Dr Hibburt laugh bonus: 99 Name: Karen Blundell Hours per week: -3 Bitterness: 9 Hatred of students: 8 Intimidation factor: 12 Competence: 8 “Loving Dogs” bonus: 2000 Name: Martyn Chamberlain Hours per week: 20 Bitterness: 2 Hatred of students: 6 Intimidation factor: 8 Competence: 10 Under the thumb points: 99 Name: Chris Finnemore (Ian Beale) Hours per week: 8 Bitterness: 8 Hatred of students: 14 Intimidation factor: 1 Competence: 4 Name: Pete the Porter Hours per week: 103 Bitterness: 1 Hatred of students: 3 Intimidation factor: 999 Competence: 12 Bonus perversion points: 99 Name: College cleaner Hours per week: 15 Bitterness: 300 Hatred of students: 300 Intimidation factor: 2 Competence: 8 Embarrassment factor: 999 Name: Bill the Porter Hours per week: 8 Bitterness: 1 Hatred of students: 4 Intimidation factor: 8 Competence: 3 Bonus perversion points: 50 Name: Gene Hours per week: 30 Bitterness: 10 Hatred of students: 10 Intimidation factor: 8 Competence: 7 Bonus arse points: 999 Name: Julie Bushby Hours per week: 300 Bitterness: 2 Hatred of students: 3 Intimidation factor: 10 Competence: 900 Italian feistiness: 300 Name: Joyce Dover Hours per week: -3 Bitterness: 20 Hatred of students: 30 Intimidation factor: 2 Competence: -99 Name: David Kennedy Hours per week: 2 Bitterness: 0 Hatred of students: 0 Intimidation factor: 0 Competence: 10 Bonus God points: 900 Name: College chef Hours per week: 40 Bitterness: 20 (taste the food) Hatred of students: 10 Competence: 2 Love of road kill: 10 The decision has been taken to call her "Fiona." So far Mark Stebbings, Al Strang & Matt Clarke have all been in her, and Michael Cannon is now trying her out too. Apparently she's pretty smooth, though a little larger than some others. There's plenty of room though, and the rest of the mens squad are looking forward to getting in her soon" For all your boring AND/OR militancy needs call 1-800BOREME. Recent exploits involve talking shit about smoking. Then talking more shit about smoking for the next week. And apart from that being generally boring. If you have a problem, if no one else can bore you maybe you can hire the BMT As I’m sure all of you cultured people will know, legend has it that St Oswald’s head is buried in our very own cathedral in Durham. I would personally like to dispel that rumour. The truth is that St Oswald’s head is, in fact, buried in Oswald West. Or at least it smells like it is. For those of you not blessed with a great attention span, I’ll just briefly enlighten you on why he was considered such a great man: basically because he knocked off the Welsh king of the time. Surely, then, you’d all agree his memory should be honoured accordingly? How do you think he’d feel about a building that smells like a Welsh toilet being named after him? Probably not wonderful. But the fact is that he doesn’t have to live here; we do. To coin a L’Oreal phrase: “Here comes the science bit”…I’ll keep it simple (mainly for the benefit of the Geography students). Bad smells produce bad moods: extensive research suggests that someone’s smell is the first subconscious means people use to decide if they want to get into that person’s pants or not. Therefore, I propose living in this cesspit is actually detrimental to my interpersonal relationships. For instance the first thing I want when I go home to see my darling is (well for argument’s sake!!) a big hug, and that’s the last thing I get; after being told to shower with bleach and put all associated clothes in the washing machine (preferably someone else’s!). Now I think you know where I’m going with this. It’s like when I’m upset about something trivial, and my friend Francesca says “Just think of the boy whose skin fell off”. Got it yet? Grey bar was never smoky, and even if it was: it was never THAT bad. Let’s all be grown-ups about this: I’ll deal with my lower social status owing to my placement in the Westside; you deal with smoking in the bar. Fair’s fair. Grey College Mason’s Society never really took off The Finals of Crap Shirt Idol in the JCR The Male Welfare Officer takes a hands on approach Reports of Katie Halliday’s return to Panto unconfirmed Dear Editor, I’d like to propose a motion Ted Bummer This is a fucking magazine, not a JCR meeting you prick Dear Editor, I’m worried that David Knoll is going to steal my girlfriend Worried 9th year rower You are probably right, love will find a way Dear editor, I though uni was about drinking and shagging Dissapointed Fresher Well do some then Dear Editor, Since arriving at college I have been involved in “self-love” at least 7 times a day. Is this wrong? Hollingside 2nd Year No Dave Dear Editor I was deeply offended by the accusations in the last issue of Grey Matter. PS my wife didn’t tell me to send this in. Confused College Officer Sorry for any accusations levelled at you, any truth was purely coincidental. Ask your PR friend (Sorry, business formal in-joke!) Dear editor, I don't think anyone's paying attention to me. I try and dazzle people with bright colours and slip in silly comments to see if anyone notices, but they never do. Am I worrying about nothing? Ignored, Neville's Cross I think they’ll listen now Simon! 8. GCBoatC Being the largest sports team in the college, and demanding more money from the budget than most other sports & societies put together, those not on the inside track can feel somewhat excluded from a large part of college life. They’re mostly the poor folk who can’t afford the astronomical membership fee and are therefore too ordinary for this aristocratic establishment. 9. Edd Brunner After finally getting on the exec at the 3rd time of asking (the only unopposed election he ran in) this 4th year geek still runs much of the show with his close alliance with many of the key players in college. His well formed arguments are hard to fight against, even when they are complete guff. 10. Tony Cleaver The beaver-man tells is the first to welcome you to Grey and the only person to blame for any consequences that brings. Though openly deploring students for their drunken behaviour, his antics with the bursar’s dogs left some serious explaining to do. 11. Elspeth & Liz The college receptionists really are the ones holding all the keys. They can hide your post and pretend to ignore you when they please; not that these two angels would ever dream of playing underhanded tricks on people they don’t like. 12. Welfare Team As those responsible for looking after our well-being, questions are asked over the selection process and what criteria make people eligible for the role. Often frustrated by the “non-judgemental & non-directive” waffle fed to them by Nightline, they actually can’t do a lot (though they appear as though they can). This can be a good thing though, as Adam Harper is thus prevented from telling people to “go jump off a bridge. See if I care.” 13. Grey Matter team This committee for plotting evil and mayhem have the power to make or break reputations. Character assisnation and backstabbing are rife in the editing room, along with Grant’s home-made porn. 14. Pete & Bill Known to some as Bill & Ted (those with a desire to meet their maker) the security in Grey is in these guys hands. Ex-SAS Pete and ex-Home Guard Bill can scare the socks off any intruder or anyone who pisses in the plantpots in reception. And as antidote, we went in search of the person in college with the least influence. After much searching we found that the most irrelevant person is some guy called Martin, though we weren’t able to find out any more about him, he was so insignificant. Not that anyone cares! College power list. 1. Keeper of the college trout Currently Duncan Broe, the keeper has ultimate say in what happens to Grey’s most valuable asset. Coveted by other colleges as Grey’s most vulnerable trophy of worth, no keeper has yet let slip our valuable singing friend. A curious link also exists between keepers and members of the exec. Past keepers have included George Whalley, Mike Reed, Edd Brunner & Simon Meadows. Only the trout knows what the future holds for Duncan. 2. CU/Ultimate Frisbee As reported in the last issue of Grey Matter, the CU and the Ultimate Frisbee squad are one. The key to their strength is their solidarity. Though not quite a secret society, a certain mystery does hang around them, and the membership of some individuals can be somewhat surprising. It has even been known for people desiring exec positions to suddenly discover their Christian roots, hoping for God’s approval. 3. Julie Bushby This rabid lunatic tells you when to go, when to come back and what you’re supposed to do in the meantime. Very fond of a full moon. 4. Kitchen Staff These folk can make you fat or make you starve. The produce of the kitchens almost dictates the direction of many a meal time conversation. Big Jean’s beady eye is always ready to hunt down anyone who took a point too many or even to force feed someone who’s tried to leave the servery without a plate full of over-cooked vegetables and questionable sources of carbohydrates. However, they have little power over the livers-out. 5. Karen Blundell Not so much a blonde bombshell as a mustard gas canister. Ever on the lookout to find new ways of restricting students freedom to do basic things and treat us like 2nd class citizens. Her fees and fines are to her cosmetic addiction what prostitution and theft is to a heroin addict. 6. Cleaners The difference between a good cleaner and a bad cleaner can make the difference of a grade in your degree. Just ask any of the residents of Hollingside or Elvet East who have the privilege of Maggie how great she truly is. But if you get a poor cleaner, your bin can overflow and all study time is consumed with worry about when a vacuum cleaner will kiss your carpet. 7. Exec The elected “powerhouse” of college, they are divided by those wanting to represent and those wanting to rule. Some are evil, some are naïve and some are just plainly a waste of space. With George as their fatherfigure, you can’t help but think some of these kids are neglected, especially when football intervenes in the process of democracy. OK, here's the deal. An earlier version of Damien Rice's cannonball has recently been unearthed. For some reason, it's called Shrek [note, the joke is that Shrek is the story of the ogre & princess Fiona] Here's the original lyrics There’s still a little bit of your taste in my mouth There’s still a little bit of you laced with my doubt It’s still a little hard to say what's going on There’s still a little bit of your ghost your witness There’s still a little bit of your face i haven't kissed You step a little closer each day That i can’t say what's going on Mark, that wasn’t wise Mince, he taught me to lie Grant, do up your fly So it's not hard to choke When you suck on a cannon ball There’s still a little bit of your tongue in my ear There’s still a little bit of your oar I long to feel You step a little closer to me So close that I can't see what's going on Jen, I though you were bi Al, you eat too much pie Skeggs, I wish you would die So it's not hard to choke When you suck on a cannon… Sean, I ask myself why Matt, you made me cry So come on slaggage Teach me to be nice 'Cause it's not hard to choke And I don't wanna scare him It's not hard to choke And I don't wanna lose It's not hard to grow When you know that you just don't know New dance craze sweeps Durham A new dance has swept through the city at an alarming rate. Known as the Holgate step, it involves a sort of gallop across the dancefloor with a slight limp on one leg. The dance is said to have derived from the Hollingside East, in Grey College where the inhabitants spend their days standing in their windows, sadistically staring at the folk trying to run down the steps from Holgate and Oswald having overslept, missed breakfast and mistakenly think that attending lectures will help them pass their degree. It has been noted by many that the step looks totally ridiculous. “Well, don’t all dances get dissed when they start off. Just look at the jitterbug. Besides, anyone who’s bad at dancing can make a good dance look bad,” commented a second year philosopher & theologian, somewhat smugly. Health experts have warned that the repeated sudden impacts to the hips can cause serious damage, possibly even early onset of rheumatism. So we had a chat to outspoken fan of the Holgate step and member of the college welfare team, Becca Evans. “I know it might be a little dangerous, but that’s what makes it so exciting. It’s too much fun not to,” she giggled. Whether or not the dance will be a passing fad, or as permanent as DJ Robin we have yet to see. For now, though, expect to see some wacky dancing at the next few bops followed by some serious hobbling the next day. DSU launches new non-collegiate association Can you not tell the difference between your arse and your elbow? Could you not fight your way out of a paper bag? Are you liable to get run over by a parked car? Don’t worry, help is at hand. As of this term, the new Stupid People Association is here to help. They aim to reintegrate the dumbest folk of the university into everyday life by giving them meaningless, simple tasks that only a complete fool could mess up. Many of the members of this NCA are graduate students, incapable of finding themselves real jobs. They are set to work doing all those little things that academic staff are too intelligent to be bothered with, like organizing timetables, sorting out registration and publishing exam results. The work these inadequate human beings do gives them a marvellously false sense of selfworth and belonging. One of the early successes of the new association was the restructuring of the timetabling system. The idea behind it was that people had to work for their degrees. In other words, they had to work to find out where they could get a degree. Based upon the dual ideas of an Easter egg hunt and kissing the Blarney Stone, the full university timetable was in fact fully prepared a week before term began. It had simply been hidden on the underside of the reception desk in the biology department and could only be read by people willing to crawl underneath on their backs with a torch. Welcome to the first edition of Meadows Matters. Sometimes one man is just off at such a tangent to the rest of the world it can only be called Genius (or fucking insanity). There is one man who fits this bill and that is Simon Meadows. Cranking out articles quicker than Michael Jackson can think of excuses to have boys in his room he has nearly enough material for his own magazine. Hence this double sided colossus. However, I take no responsibility for the humour, writing style or content. They all laughed at Walter Raleigh when he bought back potatoes from Russia (or something), And in the same way you will find yourself laughing along to this bizarre mix of comedy Read on - If you dare Thank you Simon - you fucking loony Grant
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Grey Matter Michaelmas 2004

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Hello and welcome to the latest edition of Grey Matter. I’ve made no promises and I intend to keep none of them. But first of all it is customary to say thank you to my sub-editors (Whoever the fuck you are). More elusive than Saddam Hussein, and about as good as writing articles. Submissions have been almost better than usual due some prolific members of the JCR. However this is no issue of Private Eye but it is also no issue of Viz. Highbrow and Lowbrow articles have been thrown into this melting pot of a magazine. Anyway, as my mother always used to say: “Fuck it, you can’t please all of the people, all of the time, so fuck the lot of them” And on that note I bid you a-jew, Your illustrious editor, Grant Martin esq. New shower block to be installed next to the college bar Seven polar bears die in the making of Martyn Chamberlain’s new wig Fresher seen in the bar drinking two pints— has not been seen since Dodgy Edam blamed for copious vomiting after Winter Wonderland of Cheese Next business formal to be held in a room in Hollingside New history of Grey College book reveals real name of FTC is in fact Full of Total Cunts Wibble arrested in Minority Report style preemptive paedophile strike Palatinate may say who is the most powerful in the University but Grey Matter is here to lay down the law on the distribution of power within Grey... 1) Sarah Chamberlain—How much wine we drink at formals, whether Martyn is allowed down to the bar, she calls the shots and wears the trousers! 2) The CU—They decide who gets elected, either through block voting or higher influences. Also handy if you want to get an e-mail out to the whole college. 3) Edd “A motion a meeting makes me feel important” Brunner—Desperately clinging on to any dreams of his heyday as VP, where there is a pie, Bummer’s fingers are never far away… 4) Grant “Massive Zoom” Martin— You’re female, you’re at Grey College, Grant has a photo of your breasts. Blackmail is a powerful thing… 5) Simon Smith—The licence to put whatever he chooses on the most viewed website in Durham University gets “Cyber fuck” in at 5. Eyebrows were raised and tongues began wagging at the start of this term when Chris “Made it big” Fennimore turned up for work. And no, he hadn’t just bought a new shirt and tie combo or found a way to count how much food was wasted by greedy students – He’d bought himself one of those flashy Audi TTs!!! Of course the first cry was one of “Embezzlement”, but it turns out that Chris is so far above board that he can only just see it as a speck on the ground. As many of you will have realised Chris was not just born with an incredible ability to control a kitchen effectively, he was also blessed with the looks of Adam Woodyatt the Eastenders super-star. In those few hours when he is not cooking up a storm in the dining hall Chris appears all over the country as an Ian Beal-a-like. Weddings, Bar-Mitzvahs, Supermarket openings and funerals. No job is too big or too small for the man himself. Commanding over £500 for each appearance it only took him two months to earn enough to stroll into the Audi Garage and pay cash for his flashy new car. However, the sad thing about this is that the real Ian Beale drives a J-Reg Mondeo and has to buy his kids clothes from Walford market. It turns out that working for Eastenders is not the meal ticket it used to be. Plummeting viewing figures mean that Ian can only dream of the days when he used to be earning as much as Fennimore is now. Now I am not insinuating that Chris is living off other people’s misfortunes, but perhaps we can all take a minute to think about how cruel the fate of men is. And he’s not after capturing your foolish behaviour either. On the contrary, this hideously hormonal man/boy (delete as appropriate), your very own Grey matter sub editor in fact, will stop at nothing to satisfy his perverted needs. Don’t be fooled by his seemingly harmless flirtation, or rumours that he bats for the other team. The photo says it all… shirt rippage and camera-boob action. Ben’s get-your-tits-out-forthe-boys ideology is leaving damsels in distress all over college. Be warned. Make sure your breasts are in the right hands! Being the Master of Vice at Grey College is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. Current stock: Audi TT Convertible—one careful celebrity look-a-like owner. Only default is “no more lamb hotpot you bastard” scratched into the bonnet. John Deer “Gator” - Handy little ran-a-round this one, feel like Pete the Porter as you whiz around the streets of Durham with the wind in your ginger skin-head. Effective immediately cleaners will not be dodging vibrators to get into students rooms. Bins will be shaken for two minutes maximum and any wank-rags left in there will stay there indefinitely. Any sink that looks like it has been pissed in will be cleaned with the students own toothbrush. You have been warned you little shits Thank you dearly Ann Housekeeper Following on from the roaring success of adopting a village in Tanzania the Charities Committee are beginning to look closer to home. This poor Surrey village is brimming with filthy rich toffs. However, all is not well. Some children in the village have had to start working in order to fund their Gap years swimming with Dolphins and building Opium dens in Thailand. In fact - last Christmas one of the villagers only got a Playstation 2 and an X-box, when all of the other children got a gamecube as well. You can’t ignore this kind of suffering. So please, all we ask is £1,500 a month to go towards tennis lessons, recreational drugs and the new 2005 Crew rugby shirt. A rah is for life, not just for Christmas Grey College Staff Top Trumps Name: Anthony Cleaver Hours per week: 20 Bitterness: 1 Hatred of students: 1 Intimidation factor: 6 Competence: 3 Dr Hibburt laugh bonus: 99 Name: Karen Blundell Hours per week: -3 Bitterness: 9 Hatred of students: 8 Intimidation factor: 12 Competence: 8 “Loving Dogs” bonus: 2000 Name: Martyn Chamberlain Hours per week: 20 Bitterness: 2 Hatred of students: 6 Intimidation factor: 8 Competence: 10 Under the thumb points: 99 Name: Chris Finnemore (Ian Beale) Hours per week: 8 Bitterness: 8 Hatred of students: 14 Intimidation factor: 1 Competence: 4 Name: Pete the Porter Hours per week: 103 Bitterness: 1 Hatred of students: 3 Intimidation factor: 999 Competence: 12 Bonus perversion points: 99 Name: College cleaner Hours per week: 15 Bitterness: 300 Hatred of students: 300 Intimidation factor: 2 Competence: 8 Embarrassment factor: 999 Name: Bill the Porter Hours per week: 8 Bitterness: 1 Hatred of students: 4 Intimidation factor: 8 Competence: 3 Bonus perversion points: 50 Name: Gene Hours per week: 30 Bitterness: 10 Hatred of students: 10 Intimidation factor: 8 Competence: 7 Bonus arse points: 999 Name: Julie Bushby Hours per week: 300 Bitterness: 2 Hatred of students: 3 Intimidation factor: 10 Competence: 900 Italian feistiness: 300 Name: Joyce Dover Hours per week: -3 Bitterness: 20 Hatred of students: 30 Intimidation factor: 2 Competence: -99 Name: David Kennedy Hours per week: 2 Bitterness: 0 Hatred of students: 0 Intimidation factor: 0 Competence: 10 Bonus God points: 900 Name: College chef Hours per week: 40 Bitterness: 20 (taste the food) Hatred of students: 10 Competence: 2 Love of road kill: 10 The decision has been taken to call her "Fiona." So far Mark Stebbings, Al Strang & Matt Clarke have all been in her, and Michael Cannon is now trying her out too. Apparently she's pretty smooth, though a little larger than some others. There's plenty of room though, and the rest of the mens squad are looking forward to getting in her soon" For all your boring AND/OR militancy needs call 1-800BOREME. Recent exploits involve talking shit about smoking. Then talking more shit about smoking for the next week. And apart from that being generally boring. If you have a problem, if no one else can bore you maybe you can hire the BMT As I’m sure all of you cultured people will know, legend has it that St Oswald’s head is buried in our very own cathedral in Durham. I would personally like to dispel that rumour. The truth is that St Oswald’s head is, in fact, buried in Oswald West. Or at least it smells like it is. For those of you not blessed with a great attention span, I’ll just briefly enlighten you on why he was considered such a great man: basically because he knocked off the Welsh king of the time. Surely, then, you’d all agree his memory should be honoured accordingly? How do you think he’d feel about a building that smells like a Welsh toilet being named after him? Probably not wonderful. But the fact is that he doesn’t have to live here; we do. To coin a L’Oreal phrase: “Here comes the science bit”…I’ll keep it simple (mainly for the benefit of the Geography students). Bad smells produce bad moods: extensive research suggests that someone’s smell is the first subconscious means people use to decide if they want to get into that person’s pants or not. Therefore, I propose living in this cesspit is actually detrimental to my interpersonal relationships. For instance the first thing I want when I go home to see my darling is (well for argument’s sake!!) a big hug, and that’s the last thing I get; after being told to shower with bleach and put all associated clothes in the washing machine (preferably someone else’s!). Now I think you know where I’m going with this. It’s like when I’m upset about something trivial, and my friend Francesca says “Just think of the boy whose skin fell off”. Got it yet? Grey bar was never smoky, and even if it was: it was never THAT bad. Let’s all be grown-ups about this: I’ll deal with my lower social status owing to my placement in the Westside; you deal with smoking in the bar. Fair’s fair. Grey College Mason’s Society never really took off The Finals of Crap Shirt Idol in the JCR The Male Welfare Officer takes a hands on approach Reports of Katie Halliday’s return to Panto unconfirmed Dear Editor, I’d like to propose a motion Ted Bummer This is a fucking magazine, not a JCR meeting you prick Dear Editor, I’m worried that David Knoll is going to steal my girlfriend Worried 9th year rower You are probably right, love will find a way Dear editor, I though uni was about drinking and shagging Dissapointed Fresher Well do some then Dear Editor, Since arriving at college I have been involved in “self-love” at least 7 times a day. Is this wrong? Hollingside 2nd Year No Dave Dear Editor I was deeply offended by the accusations in the last issue of Grey Matter. PS my wife didn’t tell me to send this in. Confused College Officer Sorry for any accusations levelled at you, any truth was purely coincidental. Ask your PR friend (Sorry, business formal in-joke!) Dear editor, I don't think anyone's paying attention to me. I try and dazzle people with bright colours and slip in silly comments to see if anyone notices, but they never do. Am I worrying about nothing? Ignored, Neville's Cross I think they’ll listen now Simon! 8. GCBoatC Being the largest sports team in the college, and demanding more money from the budget than most other sports & societies put together, those not on the inside track can feel somewhat excluded from a large part of college life. They’re mostly the poor folk who can’t afford the astronomical membership fee and are therefore too ordinary for this aristocratic establishment. 9. Edd Brunner After finally getting on the exec at the 3rd time of asking (the only unopposed election he ran in) this 4th year geek still runs much of the show with his close alliance with many of the key players in college. His well formed arguments are hard to fight against, even when they are complete guff. 10. Tony Cleaver The beaver-man tells is the first to welcome you to Grey and the only person to blame for any consequences that brings. Though openly deploring students for their drunken behaviour, his antics with the bursar’s dogs left some serious explaining to do. 11. Elspeth & Liz The college receptionists really are the ones holding all the keys. They can hide your post and pretend to ignore you when they please; not that these two angels would ever dream of playing underhanded tricks on people they don’t like. 12. Welfare Team As those responsible for looking after our well-being, questions are asked over the selection process and what criteria make people eligible for the role. Often frustrated by the “non-judgemental & non-directive” waffle fed to them by Nightline, they actually can’t do a lot (though they appear as though they can). This can be a good thing though, as Adam Harper is thus prevented from telling people to “go jump off a bridge. See if I care.” 13. Grey Matter team This committee for plotting evil and mayhem have the power to make or break reputations. Character assisnation and backstabbing are rife in the editing room, along with Grant’s home-made porn. 14. Pete & Bill Known to some as Bill & Ted (those with a desire to meet their maker) the security in Grey is in these guys hands. Ex-SAS Pete and ex-Home Guard Bill can scare the socks off any intruder or anyone who pisses in the plantpots in reception. And as antidote, we went in search of the person in college with the least influence. After much searching we found that the most irrelevant person is some guy called Martin, though we weren’t able to find out any more about him, he was so insignificant. Not that anyone cares! College power list. 1. Keeper of the college trout Currently Duncan Broe, the keeper has ultimate say in what happens to Grey’s most valuable asset. Coveted by other colleges as Grey’s most vulnerable trophy of worth, no keeper has yet let slip our valuable singing friend. A curious link also exists between keepers and members of the exec. Past keepers have included George Whalley, Mike Reed, Edd Brunner & Simon Meadows. Only the trout knows what the future holds for Duncan. 2. CU/Ultimate Frisbee As reported in the last issue of Grey Matter, the CU and the Ultimate Frisbee squad are one. The key to their strength is their solidarity. Though not quite a secret society, a certain mystery does hang around them, and the membership of some individuals can be somewhat surprising. It has even been known for people desiring exec positions to suddenly discover their Christian roots, hoping for God’s approval. 3. Julie Bushby This rabid lunatic tells you when to go, when to come back and what you’re supposed to do in the meantime. Very fond of a full moon. 4. Kitchen Staff These folk can make you fat or make you starve. The produce of the kitchens almost dictates the direction of many a meal time conversation. Big Jean’s beady eye is always ready to hunt down anyone who took a point too many or even to force feed someone who’s tried to leave the servery without a plate full of over-cooked vegetables and questionable sources of carbohydrates. However, they have little power over the livers-out. 5. Karen Blundell Not so much a blonde bombshell as a mustard gas canister. Ever on the lookout to find new ways of restricting students freedom to do basic things and treat us like 2nd class citizens. Her fees and fines are to her cosmetic addiction what prostitution and theft is to a heroin addict. 6. Cleaners The difference between a good cleaner and a bad cleaner can make the difference of a grade in your degree. Just ask any of the residents of Hollingside or Elvet East who have the privilege of Maggie how great she truly is. But if you get a poor cleaner, your bin can overflow and all study time is consumed with worry about when a vacuum cleaner will kiss your carpet. 7. Exec The elected “powerhouse” of college, they are divided by those wanting to represent and those wanting to rule. Some are evil, some are naïve and some are just plainly a waste of space. With George as their fatherfigure, you can’t help but think some of these kids are neglected, especially when football intervenes in the process of democracy. OK, here's the deal. An earlier version of Damien Rice's cannonball has recently been unearthed. For some reason, it's called Shrek [note, the joke is that Shrek is the story of the ogre & princess Fiona] Here's the original lyrics There’s still a little bit of your taste in my mouth There’s still a little bit of you laced with my doubt It’s still a little hard to say what's going on There’s still a little bit of your ghost your witness There’s still a little bit of your face i haven't kissed You step a little closer each day That i can’t say what's going on Mark, that wasn’t wise Mince, he taught me to lie Grant, do up your fly So it's not hard to choke When you suck on a cannon ball There’s still a little bit of your tongue in my ear There’s still a little bit of your oar I long to feel You step a little closer to me So close that I can't see what's going on Jen, I though you were bi Al, you eat too much pie Skeggs, I wish you would die So it's not hard to choke When you suck on a cannon… Sean, I ask myself why Matt, you made me cry So come on slaggage Teach me to be nice 'Cause it's not hard to choke And I don't wanna scare him It's not hard to choke And I don't wanna lose It's not hard to grow When you know that you just don't know New dance craze sweeps Durham A new dance has swept through the city at an alarming rate. Known as the Holgate step, it involves a sort of gallop across the dancefloor with a slight limp on one leg. The dance is said to have derived from the Hollingside East, in Grey College where the inhabitants spend their days standing in their windows, sadistically staring at the folk trying to run down the steps from Holgate and Oswald having overslept, missed breakfast and mistakenly think that attending lectures will help them pass their degree. It has been noted by many that the step looks totally ridiculous. “Well, don’t all dances get dissed when they start off. Just look at the jitterbug. Besides, anyone who’s bad at dancing can make a good dance look bad,” commented a second year philosopher & theologian, somewhat smugly. Health experts have warned that the repeated sudden impacts to the hips can cause serious damage, possibly even early onset of rheumatism. So we had a chat to outspoken fan of the Holgate step and member of the college welfare team, Becca Evans. “I know it might be a little dangerous, but that’s what makes it so exciting. It’s too much fun not to,” she giggled. Whether or not the dance will be a passing fad, or as permanent as DJ Robin we have yet to see. For now, though, expect to see some wacky dancing at the next few bops followed by some serious hobbling the next day. DSU launches new non-collegiate association Can you not tell the difference between your arse and your elbow? Could you not fight your way out of a paper bag? Are you liable to get run over by a parked car? Don’t worry, help is at hand. As of this term, the new Stupid People Association is here to help. They aim to reintegrate the dumbest folk of the university into everyday life by giving them meaningless, simple tasks that only a complete fool could mess up. Many of the members of this NCA are graduate students, incapable of finding themselves real jobs. They are set to work doing all those little things that academic staff are too intelligent to be bothered with, like organizing timetables, sorting out registration and publishing exam results. The work these inadequate human beings do gives them a marvellously false sense of selfworth and belonging. One of the early successes of the new association was the restructuring of the timetabling system. The idea behind it was that people had to work for their degrees. In other words, they had to work to find out where they could get a degree. Based upon the dual ideas of an Easter egg hunt and kissing the Blarney Stone, the full university timetable was in fact fully prepared a week before term began. It had simply been hidden on the underside of the reception desk in the biology department and could only be read by people willing to crawl underneath on their backs with a torch. Welcome to the first edition of Meadows Matters. Sometimes one man is just off at such a tangent to the rest of the world it can only be called Genius (or fucking insanity). There is one man who fits this bill and that is Simon Meadows. Cranking out articles quicker than Michael Jackson can think of excuses to have boys in his room he has nearly enough material for his own magazine. Hence this double sided colossus. However, I take no responsibility for the humour, writing style or content. They all laughed at Walter Raleigh when he bought back potatoes from Russia (or something), And in the same way you will find yourself laughing along to this bizarre mix of comedy Read on - If you dare Thank you Simon - you fucking loony Grant
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