...and welcome to Grey Matter!! ! £5.50 HENRY DYSON JOINS THE OPULENT FESTIVITIES GREY COLLEGE HOSTS INFORMAL BALL MARTYN CHAMBERLAIN CELEBRATES THE SUCCESS OF HIS LAVISH COLLEGE FEAST A NIGHT ON THE TOWN WITH GLAMOROUS WEBSITE EDITOR HENRI COOK STEFFAN MESSENGER: THE WELSHMAN ROCKS OUT IN HIS PALATIAL GILESGATE HOME Welcome to Grey Matter Editorial! Hi guys, welcome to the Michaelmas 2006 issue of Grey Matter! Wow, what an honour to be editing such an illustrious publication, to be following in the footsteps of such luminaries as Grant Martin, Lee Speakman, Andy Farley and Simon Meadows. Scratch that last one actually. The two of us like to get pretty wordy, and if you don’t like it, fuck off. We’re the best thing that ever happened to this two-bit rag, and don’t you forget it. We’d like to thank each other, a few of those listed below, and all of college for providing such wonderful characters to take the piss out of. Like you, Chamberlain. Mike Coxon and Liam Don bask in glory News In Briefs Removing cheese ‘Final Solution’ in sanitising Winter Wonderland. Massive vomit bill at Informal Ball linked to “severe Lactose Intolerance”. Tim Spear removes shirt at formal. Dead hooker found in Pennington. “College Banter” blamed. Cheerleaders get norks out. Nothing new. & Mike Liam oy! p.s. Enj Malcolm Simms And introducing our illustrious sub-editors: Lee Iain Dave Williamson Haywood Williams Ben Haytack Mark Hosking Katie Logan Peter Holland Jon Forman Wrote A Bit Wrote 1 Page Wrote 1 Page Wrote Nothing Wrote Nothing Not Even Ratified Wrote 1 Page Wrote Nothing Wrote 3 Pages 1 Published Wrote Nothing PAGE 3 Lucy, 19, from London I think that this residence charge rise is terrible. Lee Speakman needs to !rise to the occasion" and stop it for me! LOOK! WE!RE BACK TO A4 SIZE! But that doesn"t mean we"re going to write anything in this space. G R E Y M A T T E R R E V U E INFORMAL BALL NIGEL BROOK BOUNCES BACK “They all laughed at Christopher Columbus, when he said the world was round. They all laughed when Edison recorded sound. They all laughed at me after the beach bop. Well who’s laughing now you cunts?” — Nigel Brook They say all publicity is good publicity, but for the selfproclaimed crown prince of “party hard”, nothing could be further from the truth. Ever since he appeared as Grey College’s diminutive dispenser of evening events, Nigel takes these comments Nigel Brook has faced more in his stride, but strangely his than his fair share of criticism. trademark modesty is nowhere to be seen. But like Dennis Hopper in the film ‘Easy Rider’, Nigel has “Anyone who says they ridden his trusty bop bike didn’t like the informal ball is through the deserts of either a liar or a cunt” opines expectation, leaving only a Nigel. dusty trail of success in the faces of his detractors. A bartender drank a bottle of apple juice. Why was he sad? Against all odds, the informal ball has garnered positive reviews from around college, being described variously as “a tour de force of party fun”, “a whirlwind of decadent delight” and “not shit”. So there you have it. The informal ball was bloody great, and a good time was had by all. But this reporter can’t help but think that perhaps Nigel is getting a little too big for his size 4 boots. When pushed on whether he was going to re-stand for his position Nigel remained tight-lipped: “Let’s just say the quiet man is here to stay, and he’s turning up the volume!” (the answer is towards the back)! Advertisement Feature Available Now! Website Team Naked Calendar Website sub-editor working on the go! Nick Harkin and Henri Cook log on! Following the success of the naked cheerleading calendar, the Grey Website Team are proud to announce their own foray into the world of nudity the Website Team Naked Calendar! With some of the highest community spirit ratings in college, the studs in this calendar really know how to make the sparks fly using some cool javascript libraries and cascading style sheets! Available exclusively in PDF format, the calendar costs a mere £8.99 with half the proceeds going to the Bill Gates foundation. Just £8.99! aff chemistry in As rumors of inter-st tensify, we ask... Pete the Porter and Jean Tony Cleaver and Elspeth TV Psychologist Dr. Linda Papadopoulos says: I think these pictures are so interesting because they really give an insight into our human relationships - both sexually and with our children. Martyn Chamberlain and Julie Bushby GREYMATTER Michaelmas 2006 “How much of a fuck do you think I give? I’m the captain of this ship. You can fuck right off. I’m Ed Garret, who the fuck are you?” Ed Garret Don’t Cry For Me GCBC An Interview With Ed Garret By Johnson T. Bailey Grey Matter: Ed a quick word? Edd “the duck” Garrett: Fuck off GM: Is it true you!re selling three entry level boats in order to buy the single scull you were “harshly denied” by democracy? EG: Fuck off GM: Is it true you are now flaunting JCR policy and only letting public schooled arseholes into the boat club? EG: No, any old arsehole GM: Are rumours substantiated that other colleges have started chanting “where!s your boat club gone?” EG: Yes but I assumed that was because we were so fast GM: Is it true that you ran a blue peter style appeal for photos on your website due to inactivity? EG: Yes GM: Is it true that Sean “cock” Young is still listed as rowing in the first 8 when he has now chosen to swim rather than be in a boat with you? EG: Yes GM: So what has the boat club done since the “Champion” era? EG: Nothing……….Oh no Nigel arranged a super social, we went to 24!s. GM: Is that an oar up your arse? EG: NO ITS CALLED A BLADE. THE DURHAM UNION SOCIETY Fresher Debate!! “This House would kiss a man to watch two girls pull” Opposition: Joe Cookson: “If people are gay back in Yorkshire, we normally just stone them” Proposition: Todd: “………………” 30th February 2007 8:30 in the Chamber on Palace Green Loser’s Only 2016: Where Are They Now? Part 1: Jim and Buttcheeks Graduating was a bit of a shock for Dan ‘Buttcheeks’ Tresman. The world seemed like a big and scary place, with lots of confusing sounds and colours. Jim coped better, and before long he had a job in the public sector, as a care worker. Imagine his surprise when his first ‘case’ turned out to be none other than Dan, who was finding it increasingly hard to get a job, or even function as a normal member of society. Jim didn’t mind much, he had missed Dan since uni. And Dan? Dan was just glad to have someone there to brush his teeth and trim his body hair. These days Dan lives in a council flat in Romford, and Jim is round most days. Sometimes they go shopping together in the local Lidl, although Jim finds it very tiring. Dan always insists on riding in the trolly, and insists that they only buy jam and Wheetos. One time, the security guard found a jelly-chunk smeared Dan in the pet food aisle, an incident which got Jim in trouble with his boss. Dan tells Jim that he hopes to get a job soon, and Jim is very supportive. Jim is going to be promoted to district care manager soon, but he hasn’t told Dan yet. Grey Matter are proud to reintroduce... The once infamous... SLAG CHART Disclaimer: this chart is based on pure rumor and third party accounts and should as such not be taken seriously by anyone. David William Round For Liver!s Out Rep Hi! I!m David Round! I!m a first year engineer from Jakarta and I think I!d be perfect for the role of Liver!s Out Rep. I can think of lots of great reasons why I would make a good Liver!s Out Rep. David William Round For Male Welfare Hi! I!m David Round! I!m a first year engineer from Jakarta and I think I!d be perfect for the role of Male Rep. I can think of lots of great reasons why I would make a good Male Welfare Rep. • I!m not afraid to live out • I!m here to represent your views • I will live out for nearly a whole year • I went to an international school in Jakarta Vote for me please • I!m not afraid to be well fair • I!m here to represent your VDs • I understand men • I went to an international school in Jakarta Don!t be a square vote round please Proposed By: Seconded By: Proposed By: Seconded By: Emily Okwe-Pearson Fresher!s Helper Lee Williamson Fresher!s Helper Maz Farookhi Fresher!s Helper Mark Hosking Fresher!s Helper Maz Farookhi Fresher!s Helper Lee Williamson Fresher!s Helper Emily Okwe-Pearson Mark Hosking Fresher!s Helper Fresher!s Helper David William Round For social Secretary Hi! I!m David Round! I!m a sociable engineer from Jakarta and I think I!d be perfect for the role of a social Secretary I can think of lots of great reasons why I would make a good Secretary. David William Round For Ball Chair Rep Hi! I!m David Round! I!m from Jakarta!!!!1 I can think of so many reasons why I!d be a good ball chair rep • I!m not afraid to go to socials with you • I!ve worked in a secretarial role before • I enjoyed the army bop • I went to an international school in Jakarta I like parties too vote for david round please • I!m not afraid to stand up for your ball chair • I went to an international school in Jakarta • It!ll be a ball!! If you!ve seen me a”Round”, why not vote for me for ball chair please Proposed By: Seconded By: Proposed By: Seconded By: Mark Hosking Fresher!s Helper Lee Williamson Fresher!s Helper Emily Okwe-Pearson Maz Farookhi Fresher!s Helper Fresher!s Helper Lee Williamson Fresher!s Helper Mark Hosking Fresher!s Helper Emily Okwe-Pearson Maz Farookhi Fresher!s Helper Fresher!s Helper TRAGEDY: Since the CU strike began, every one of these children has become a gay. Stick It To The Man! 5 Ways to Piss Off The College Pencil-Pushers 1. Mess Up Your Room Pissing in your sink is so last year even the girls are at it now. This year, to be a true revolutionary you need to throw your caution to the wind, and shit in your bin. 2. Order Some Pizza A bad year in the vineyards has left the Master’s bank balance a little slim, which explains why the Master’s Feast had the culinary delicacy of a pair of flaps. Express your disappointment by having Dominos delivered to the next formal! 3. Entertain The Old Boys You may have noticed that the primary motivation behind everything College does is money. That’s why there’s always rich and generous old people hanging about. Sneak into the SCR and regale the guests with tales about your sex life and the time you shat in your bin. They won’t be back. 4. Flout Fire Regulations Everyone hates fire drills. Try removing the alarm in your room, then leave the building wearing only your boxers and a Moroccan shawl, then stash the alarm in a bush and deny everything. Note: you may be fined £100. 5. Get Lots of Post Sign up for loads of junk mail everyone will remember you for years after you leave as a new letter arrives every day and never gets collected. Christian Union Strike Hits Grey College Where it Hurts The Christian Union yesterday announced plans to strike, following years of largely unsuccesful negotiation with God. Unlike normal Christians, Unionists believe that everyone, now matter how good, is damned to hell unless they accept Jesus and follow the rules laid down in their Christian handbook, the Bible. This means that CU members are forced to pray daily, sing folky songs together, attend frisbee practice three times a week and abstain from sexual relations except during periods of marriage. “Frankly, it’s a pretty shitty deal and we’ve had enough of it” fumed an unnamed CU source. The Union provides Grey with a number of services; weekly prayathons, regular debates such as the recent “Would Jesus Forgive Those Who Believe In Evolution?”, and informational services on topics such as birth control and sexuality. Just a few days into the CU strike, college attitudes were described as noticeably more liberal, a fact which has not gone unnoticed by prominent fresher conservative Joe Cookson: “This is outrageous” spluttered Joe, his ample cheeks puffing in indignation. “Without a CU presence, we are leaving ourselves vulnerable to attack from dangerous homosexuals and deviants”. Joe later added: “England for the English, it’s just common sense”, before goose-stepping back to his lonely college room to manipulate himself to the point of discharge over a laminated photo of a young Michael Howard. A senior figure in the CU admitted that homosexual deviance would be going unchecked during the strike. “We had planned a ‘Pray Away The Gay Day’ for this wednesday” said the source. “That won’t be going ahead, and we accept that this is a cause for concern, which is why we’re hoping for a resolution as soon as possible - all we really need is a sign from God”. Christian head honcho God Christ, notoriously hard to reach, was predictably unavailable for comment at the time of going to press. The strike continues. DRINKERS CORNER VOMIT: “Two Swigs Sparrow” and “One Pint Pinch”, seen here after first cup of punch at Winter Wonderland. GREYMATTER Michaelmas 2006 Senior Common Debauchery? SCR initiation blown wide open! By Liam Don and Michael Coxon “That’ll teach you to drink my port!” bellowed Henry as he stuffed yet another quail egg into the squirming tutor’s mouth. Peering through the gaps in the door of the SCR port cabinet, we gasped at the events unfolding before our very eyes. Initiation, long the preserve of rugby teams and secret societies, had arrived at the Pennington suite, and tonight coffee and cigars were most definitely not on the menu. Things had kicked off an hour earlier, when the new recruits arrived from their naked run up from the New Inn. Waiting for them at the top was Vice Master Tony Cleaver, wearing only his trademark waistcoat and a sadistic grin. “Single file, close march” cackled Cleaver, as the SCR hopefuls waddled front-to-tail into the Pennington suite. Closing up the rear were Tony’s fellow initiators: Martyn ‘The Racket’ Chamberlain, Ian ‘The Prez’ Stone and Henry ‘No Loss of Suction’ Dyson, all rubbing their hands with unbridled glee. “Sure, I enjoy a drink now and then, maybe a smoke, and yes, I have enjoyed the company of many beautiful women. Does that make me a bad Master? Does it fuck!” Martyn Chamberlain - Master In the centre of the room sat a leather dentists chair, with hand shackles and foot straps. We watched in horror, as tutor after prospective tutor was sat in the chair and forced to down an entire bottle of port mixed with raw egg and crushed Weetabix Wheetos. “Please... No more...” gasped one hapless tutor as a second bottle was produced. “Not for you... For me!” slurred Chamberlain, his years of drinking experience clear as he slurped down the entire bottle in a matter of seconds. Smashing down the bottle, Martyn produced a well-worn tennis racket. And with that, subject after subject was forced to undergo a brutal racketing. “Game, Set and Match” laughed Martyn. Left: Martyn Chamberlain administers yet another blow with his racket. Right: Our reporter is rumbled by the SCR and subjected to a beasting Shaken to the core of his very being, Mike decided to make a break for it. Springing out of the port cabinet, he bravely dashed across the room and to the exit. Mike’s clumsy exit left Liam fully exposed, and in within eyeshot of a furious Ian Stone. The rest of Liam’s night has been obscured in his mind by port and psychological repression, and sadly he will never enjoy Wimbledon again. We decided that this shocking story could not pass by without a comment from the very top. Unfortunately, Mr. Chamberlain proved to be very uncooperative. “What the fuck? Initiation?! Get out of my office!” spat Chamberlain. Disheartened, we decided that perhaps struggling art dealer Henry Dyson might provide us with answers. Cosied up in the bar with a few bottles of wine, Dyson proved to be very forthcoming. “It all started about 10 years ago, and it’s become something of a institution” chuckled Henry. “The trouble is, money’s been tight these past few years, and it’s “I’m the Vice-Master. The Master of fucking Vice, yeah? Now you tell me that ain’t a fucking job title” Tony Cleaver Shocking Just some of the items used on the night. not just Chamberlain’s gay little feast which has been hit.” Random Photos Grey At It’s Finest After being offered more wine, Henry elaborated further: “No-one was willing to tone down the initiation, so we’ve had to cut down in other areas. That means lino on the SCR floor, and Tesco value toilet paper.” “Believe me, no-one misses Grey Rugby Enjoy Sauna the Charmin more than I do” he added mournfully. We pushed Henry further over what we considered to be a brutal and barbaric form of fun. “Smelly banter Mike, very smelly banter” smirked Henry, with a playfully dismissive hand gesture. We left the bar puzzled. What Lucy ‘Heaven’ Reid Enjoys Bed had seemed savage and inhuman was being described as just a bit of fun. Not a single tutor was willing to speak to us, and only the lubrication of a few bottles of wine had loosened Henry’s lips. We were left to ponder the words we had heard Cleaver Lee Williamson Enjoys Man Arse crow the previous night: “Bring out the ping-pong balls!” Overdue L i brar y L oan s Note: Students cannot g raduate or pass exams at end of year until fines are paid in full! Lee Speakman: The Bill Clinton guide to using power to influence women ‘Where Caesar went wrong’: Holding on to power, for ever, and ever, and ever. Overdue since March. Ben Haytack: The 7 habits of highly effective people 4 weeks overdue from short term loans (£672 fine) Richard Crowther: 1001 Quotes to Amaze your Friends and Family Eley Haslam: How to behave more ladylike Pygmalion The science of bad smells. Having a shower, A couple of weeks overdue “Tanga” Tom Tomlinson: Puberty Unplugged About 8 years overdue PLEASE PAY IMMEDIATELY! Please! In fact, we don’t even care about the fine; just give it back to the library! DAMAGE TO BOOKS: (Important note: You are SCUM!) Gareth Howells: Jurassic Park: The book of the film. Damage to page 161 where Samuel L. Jackson says ‘I can’t get Jurassic Park back online without Dennis Nedry.’ ‘Dennis Nedry’ has been crossed out in red biro, and had ‘Gareth Howells’ written just above. Replacement fee: £8.99 Matt Knight: Margret Thatcher; A biography Numerous pages stuck together somehow. Replacement fee: £15.99 GREY GIRLS GO WILD Record Levels Splash Created as Public Urination Reaches Left: Katy Morrison in a rare moment on porcelain Right: Our photographer catches Andrea Cullen by the college bins First it was the toilets, then it was the sinks, now Grey girls are stopping at nothing to relieve themselves whenever the mood takes them. Grey Matter has learned that public urination amongst female students has reached epic proportions, unprecedented since records began. Miss Grey also-ran Andrea Cullen, who recently spent a penny in the queue for Loveshack, and once pissed in a crisp packet in 24, had this to say: “Aye pet, it were a reet canny piss like, it’s about time us lasses got to paint the town yellow!” Serial offender Katy Morrison yesterday denied claims that she had extended her repertoire of public depravity to include the scatological. “I’ll piss on your doorstep quicker than you can say ‘cystitis’, but I’d never take a social shit – a girls got standards.” Tori Pendlebury - thought by many to be an unlikely public pisser - piped up, her shrill voice braying over the chatter of the lunch queue; “I’d say I was more of a social pisser, I’ll do it if I need to or if Sam [Williams] is doing it.” However, the tidal wave of feminine liberation was met square on by once notable economic bullshitter Matt Knight. “It’s outrageous” spluttered Matt, his wiry frame shaking in exasperation, “This is clearly just another symptom of the fluffy brand of PR welfare bandied about by the pencil pushers down at Old Shire Hall.” When pressed further, Matt added “Is this going to be published? I hope so!” before retiring to the IT room to load his pen drive with 512Mb of Romanian scat porn. A quick straw poll around the Grey Matter office revealed that the only woman on the team had also partaken in the occasional floor spiller. Bursar Karen Blundell was also very forthcoming – with information – and confessed “Yes, I did do some of that back in college”. But when we approached Martyn Chamberlain for comment, he had this to say – “What the fuck are you talking about? Piss!? Get out of my office!” Answer: Because it was actually piss Parish News from the Chaplain Whas’ crackin’ G’s, its your homie David Kennedy, or as I’d like to be known from now on, D-Ken. So, here is my forum to bring the Fountains Hall chaplaincy to the masses, and, just like my man Moses, part the red sea of apathy. So in an effort to modernise and attract new students to the totally dope message of Jesus, I have proposed a number of changes: WINTER WONDERLAND OF JEEZ What we need is a college-wide event that can bring together the whole college under the main man, J-to-the-Cizzle. Basically everyone brings a choice morsel of the Bible, gets wasted on holy wine, and anyone who happens to go to hospital after being bet a Lambourgini that he couldn’t down a pint of vodka, can repent and become a disciple of JC. GREY MATTER “CONFESSIONAL” A splinter magazine, satirising the Bible stories, in an attempt to make things a bit more relevant. Articles include a piece on how the plague of locusts was just college banter with Hatfield that went a bit too far. OPEN DISCUSSION People are concerned with how university Christian Unions appear indoctrinated. I want to prove to everybody that Grey is not at all indoctrinated. I propose that we debate the “hot” topics of abortion and gay marriage. If you decide however, that killing a baby is ok and that the gays have “rights” under God, you won’t be invited back. So, let me know whether I’ve hit the right note. Also, look out for my new purple radio show, “DK’s Bible Break Beat” – a heady mix of banging tunes and scripture. And don’t forget, Christian Union Next Tuesday. Peace, DK Letters To The Editors Dear Editors, By the way, is it actually ok with you guys if I come back to Grey? Butler 2nd Year Nein Tim, piss off Dear Editors, Did you like my hilarious reappearance at the JCR meeting? Smeadows Classic, as ever. Dear Editors, Aye yee fookin’ barsderd English. Reet sumin aboot Scotland! 1st Year Kilt Botherer OK Dougie, it’s shit. Dear Editors, Why do you recycle the same old ‘pint of vodka’ jokes every issue? Faul Purley We’re just jealous. And shouldn’t you be behind the bar? Dear Editors, Did I really piss in the street? Tori Pendlebury No, we made it up. It was a complete lie. Sorry. Dear Editors, What’s this? “Grey Matter”!? Why the fuck is this pile of fucking horse shit in my office?!! Silver Fox, Grey College Sorry Martyn. We’ll have the whiskey sent for immediately. Disclaimer: Quite a lot of this publication is misquoted, made up or just bollocks. If you feel offended, don!t worry, it!s probably not true. But some of it is. Mmmmm... FUN POLICE The end of a cheesy insitution: Charlotte “Trigs” Tregunna and Lee “Spack” Speakman ruin Christmas
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...and welcome to Grey Matter!! ! £5.50 HENRY DYSON JOINS THE OPULENT FESTIVITIES GREY COLLEGE HOSTS INFORMAL BALL MARTYN CHAMBERLAIN CELEBRATES THE SUCCESS OF HIS LAVISH COLLEGE FEAST A NIGHT ON THE TOWN WITH GLAMOROUS WEBSITE EDITOR HENRI COOK STEFFAN MESSENGER: THE WELSHMAN ROCKS OUT IN HIS PALATIAL GILESGATE HOME Welcome to Grey Matter Editorial! Hi guys, welcome to the Michaelmas 2006 issue of Grey Matter! Wow, what an honour to be editing such an illustrious publication, to be following in the footsteps of such luminaries as Grant Martin, Lee Speakman, Andy Farley and Simon Meadows. Scratch that last one actually. The two of us like to get pretty wordy, and if you don’t like it, fuck off. We’re the best thing that ever happened to this two-bit rag, and don’t you forget it. We’d like to thank each other, a few of those listed below, and all of college for providing such wonderful characters to take the piss out of. Like you, Chamberlain. Mike Coxon and Liam Don bask in glory News In Briefs Removing cheese ‘Final Solution’ in sanitising Winter Wonderland. Massive vomit bill at Informal Ball linked to “severe Lactose Intolerance”. Tim Spear removes shirt at formal. Dead hooker found in Pennington. “College Banter” blamed. Cheerleaders get norks out. Nothing new. & Mike Liam oy! p.s. Enj Malcolm Simms And introducing our illustrious sub-editors: Lee Iain Dave Williamson Haywood Williams Ben Haytack Mark Hosking Katie Logan Peter Holland Jon Forman Wrote A Bit Wrote 1 Page Wrote 1 Page Wrote Nothing Wrote Nothing Not Even Ratified Wrote 1 Page Wrote Nothing Wrote 3 Pages 1 Published Wrote Nothing PAGE 3 Lucy, 19, from London I think that this residence charge rise is terrible. Lee Speakman needs to !rise to the occasion" and stop it for me! LOOK! WE!RE BACK TO A4 SIZE! But that doesn"t mean we"re going to write anything in this space. G R E Y M A T T E R R E V U E INFORMAL BALL NIGEL BROOK BOUNCES BACK “They all laughed at Christopher Columbus, when he said the world was round. They all laughed when Edison recorded sound. They all laughed at me after the beach bop. Well who’s laughing now you cunts?” — Nigel Brook They say all publicity is good publicity, but for the selfproclaimed crown prince of “party hard”, nothing could be further from the truth. Ever since he appeared as Grey College’s diminutive dispenser of evening events, Nigel takes these comments Nigel Brook has faced more in his stride, but strangely his than his fair share of criticism. trademark modesty is nowhere to be seen. But like Dennis Hopper in the film ‘Easy Rider’, Nigel has “Anyone who says they ridden his trusty bop bike didn’t like the informal ball is through the deserts of either a liar or a cunt” opines expectation, leaving only a Nigel. dusty trail of success in the faces of his detractors. A bartender drank a bottle of apple juice. Why was he sad? Against all odds, the informal ball has garnered positive reviews from around college, being described variously as “a tour de force of party fun”, “a whirlwind of decadent delight” and “not shit”. So there you have it. The informal ball was bloody great, and a good time was had by all. But this reporter can’t help but think that perhaps Nigel is getting a little too big for his size 4 boots. When pushed on whether he was going to re-stand for his position Nigel remained tight-lipped: “Let’s just say the quiet man is here to stay, and he’s turning up the volume!” (the answer is towards the back)! Advertisement Feature Available Now! Website Team Naked Calendar Website sub-editor working on the go! Nick Harkin and Henri Cook log on! Following the success of the naked cheerleading calendar, the Grey Website Team are proud to announce their own foray into the world of nudity the Website Team Naked Calendar! With some of the highest community spirit ratings in college, the studs in this calendar really know how to make the sparks fly using some cool javascript libraries and cascading style sheets! Available exclusively in PDF format, the calendar costs a mere £8.99 with half the proceeds going to the Bill Gates foundation. Just £8.99! aff chemistry in As rumors of inter-st tensify, we ask... Pete the Porter and Jean Tony Cleaver and Elspeth TV Psychologist Dr. Linda Papadopoulos says: I think these pictures are so interesting because they really give an insight into our human relationships - both sexually and with our children. Martyn Chamberlain and Julie Bushby GREYMATTER Michaelmas 2006 “How much of a fuck do you think I give? I’m the captain of this ship. You can fuck right off. I’m Ed Garret, who the fuck are you?” Ed Garret Don’t Cry For Me GCBC An Interview With Ed Garret By Johnson T. Bailey Grey Matter: Ed a quick word? Edd “the duck” Garrett: Fuck off GM: Is it true you!re selling three entry level boats in order to buy the single scull you were “harshly denied” by democracy? EG: Fuck off GM: Is it true you are now flaunting JCR policy and only letting public schooled arseholes into the boat club? EG: No, any old arsehole GM: Are rumours substantiated that other colleges have started chanting “where!s your boat club gone?” EG: Yes but I assumed that was because we were so fast GM: Is it true that you ran a blue peter style appeal for photos on your website due to inactivity? EG: Yes GM: Is it true that Sean “cock” Young is still listed as rowing in the first 8 when he has now chosen to swim rather than be in a boat with you? EG: Yes GM: So what has the boat club done since the “Champion” era? EG: Nothing……….Oh no Nigel arranged a super social, we went to 24!s. GM: Is that an oar up your arse? EG: NO ITS CALLED A BLADE. THE DURHAM UNION SOCIETY Fresher Debate!! “This House would kiss a man to watch two girls pull” Opposition: Joe Cookson: “If people are gay back in Yorkshire, we normally just stone them” Proposition: Todd: “………………” 30th February 2007 8:30 in the Chamber on Palace Green Loser’s Only 2016: Where Are They Now? Part 1: Jim and Buttcheeks Graduating was a bit of a shock for Dan ‘Buttcheeks’ Tresman. The world seemed like a big and scary place, with lots of confusing sounds and colours. Jim coped better, and before long he had a job in the public sector, as a care worker. Imagine his surprise when his first ‘case’ turned out to be none other than Dan, who was finding it increasingly hard to get a job, or even function as a normal member of society. Jim didn’t mind much, he had missed Dan since uni. And Dan? Dan was just glad to have someone there to brush his teeth and trim his body hair. These days Dan lives in a council flat in Romford, and Jim is round most days. Sometimes they go shopping together in the local Lidl, although Jim finds it very tiring. Dan always insists on riding in the trolly, and insists that they only buy jam and Wheetos. One time, the security guard found a jelly-chunk smeared Dan in the pet food aisle, an incident which got Jim in trouble with his boss. Dan tells Jim that he hopes to get a job soon, and Jim is very supportive. Jim is going to be promoted to district care manager soon, but he hasn’t told Dan yet. Grey Matter are proud to reintroduce... The once infamous... SLAG CHART Disclaimer: this chart is based on pure rumor and third party accounts and should as such not be taken seriously by anyone. David William Round For Liver!s Out Rep Hi! I!m David Round! I!m a first year engineer from Jakarta and I think I!d be perfect for the role of Liver!s Out Rep. I can think of lots of great reasons why I would make a good Liver!s Out Rep. David William Round For Male Welfare Hi! I!m David Round! I!m a first year engineer from Jakarta and I think I!d be perfect for the role of Male Rep. I can think of lots of great reasons why I would make a good Male Welfare Rep. • I!m not afraid to live out • I!m here to represent your views • I will live out for nearly a whole year • I went to an international school in Jakarta Vote for me please • I!m not afraid to be well fair • I!m here to represent your VDs • I understand men • I went to an international school in Jakarta Don!t be a square vote round please Proposed By: Seconded By: Proposed By: Seconded By: Emily Okwe-Pearson Fresher!s Helper Lee Williamson Fresher!s Helper Maz Farookhi Fresher!s Helper Mark Hosking Fresher!s Helper Maz Farookhi Fresher!s Helper Lee Williamson Fresher!s Helper Emily Okwe-Pearson Mark Hosking Fresher!s Helper Fresher!s Helper David William Round For social Secretary Hi! I!m David Round! I!m a sociable engineer from Jakarta and I think I!d be perfect for the role of a social Secretary I can think of lots of great reasons why I would make a good Secretary. David William Round For Ball Chair Rep Hi! I!m David Round! I!m from Jakarta!!!!1 I can think of so many reasons why I!d be a good ball chair rep • I!m not afraid to go to socials with you • I!ve worked in a secretarial role before • I enjoyed the army bop • I went to an international school in Jakarta I like parties too vote for david round please • I!m not afraid to stand up for your ball chair • I went to an international school in Jakarta • It!ll be a ball!! If you!ve seen me a”Round”, why not vote for me for ball chair please Proposed By: Seconded By: Proposed By: Seconded By: Mark Hosking Fresher!s Helper Lee Williamson Fresher!s Helper Emily Okwe-Pearson Maz Farookhi Fresher!s Helper Fresher!s Helper Lee Williamson Fresher!s Helper Mark Hosking Fresher!s Helper Emily Okwe-Pearson Maz Farookhi Fresher!s Helper Fresher!s Helper TRAGEDY: Since the CU strike began, every one of these children has become a gay. Stick It To The Man! 5 Ways to Piss Off The College Pencil-Pushers 1. Mess Up Your Room Pissing in your sink is so last year even the girls are at it now. This year, to be a true revolutionary you need to throw your caution to the wind, and shit in your bin. 2. Order Some Pizza A bad year in the vineyards has left the Master’s bank balance a little slim, which explains why the Master’s Feast had the culinary delicacy of a pair of flaps. Express your disappointment by having Dominos delivered to the next formal! 3. Entertain The Old Boys You may have noticed that the primary motivation behind everything College does is money. That’s why there’s always rich and generous old people hanging about. Sneak into the SCR and regale the guests with tales about your sex life and the time you shat in your bin. They won’t be back. 4. Flout Fire Regulations Everyone hates fire drills. Try removing the alarm in your room, then leave the building wearing only your boxers and a Moroccan shawl, then stash the alarm in a bush and deny everything. Note: you may be fined £100. 5. Get Lots of Post Sign up for loads of junk mail everyone will remember you for years after you leave as a new letter arrives every day and never gets collected. Christian Union Strike Hits Grey College Where it Hurts The Christian Union yesterday announced plans to strike, following years of largely unsuccesful negotiation with God. Unlike normal Christians, Unionists believe that everyone, now matter how good, is damned to hell unless they accept Jesus and follow the rules laid down in their Christian handbook, the Bible. This means that CU members are forced to pray daily, sing folky songs together, attend frisbee practice three times a week and abstain from sexual relations except during periods of marriage. “Frankly, it’s a pretty shitty deal and we’ve had enough of it” fumed an unnamed CU source. The Union provides Grey with a number of services; weekly prayathons, regular debates such as the recent “Would Jesus Forgive Those Who Believe In Evolution?”, and informational services on topics such as birth control and sexuality. Just a few days into the CU strike, college attitudes were described as noticeably more liberal, a fact which has not gone unnoticed by prominent fresher conservative Joe Cookson: “This is outrageous” spluttered Joe, his ample cheeks puffing in indignation. “Without a CU presence, we are leaving ourselves vulnerable to attack from dangerous homosexuals and deviants”. Joe later added: “England for the English, it’s just common sense”, before goose-stepping back to his lonely college room to manipulate himself to the point of discharge over a laminated photo of a young Michael Howard. A senior figure in the CU admitted that homosexual deviance would be going unchecked during the strike. “We had planned a ‘Pray Away The Gay Day’ for this wednesday” said the source. “That won’t be going ahead, and we accept that this is a cause for concern, which is why we’re hoping for a resolution as soon as possible - all we really need is a sign from God”. Christian head honcho God Christ, notoriously hard to reach, was predictably unavailable for comment at the time of going to press. The strike continues. DRINKERS CORNER VOMIT: “Two Swigs Sparrow” and “One Pint Pinch”, seen here after first cup of punch at Winter Wonderland. GREYMATTER Michaelmas 2006 Senior Common Debauchery? SCR initiation blown wide open! By Liam Don and Michael Coxon “That’ll teach you to drink my port!” bellowed Henry as he stuffed yet another quail egg into the squirming tutor’s mouth. Peering through the gaps in the door of the SCR port cabinet, we gasped at the events unfolding before our very eyes. Initiation, long the preserve of rugby teams and secret societies, had arrived at the Pennington suite, and tonight coffee and cigars were most definitely not on the menu. Things had kicked off an hour earlier, when the new recruits arrived from their naked run up from the New Inn. Waiting for them at the top was Vice Master Tony Cleaver, wearing only his trademark waistcoat and a sadistic grin. “Single file, close march” cackled Cleaver, as the SCR hopefuls waddled front-to-tail into the Pennington suite. Closing up the rear were Tony’s fellow initiators: Martyn ‘The Racket’ Chamberlain, Ian ‘The Prez’ Stone and Henry ‘No Loss of Suction’ Dyson, all rubbing their hands with unbridled glee. “Sure, I enjoy a drink now and then, maybe a smoke, and yes, I have enjoyed the company of many beautiful women. Does that make me a bad Master? Does it fuck!” Martyn Chamberlain - Master In the centre of the room sat a leather dentists chair, with hand shackles and foot straps. We watched in horror, as tutor after prospective tutor was sat in the chair and forced to down an entire bottle of port mixed with raw egg and crushed Weetabix Wheetos. “Please... No more...” gasped one hapless tutor as a second bottle was produced. “Not for you... For me!” slurred Chamberlain, his years of drinking experience clear as he slurped down the entire bottle in a matter of seconds. Smashing down the bottle, Martyn produced a well-worn tennis racket. And with that, subject after subject was forced to undergo a brutal racketing. “Game, Set and Match” laughed Martyn. Left: Martyn Chamberlain administers yet another blow with his racket. Right: Our reporter is rumbled by the SCR and subjected to a beasting Shaken to the core of his very being, Mike decided to make a break for it. Springing out of the port cabinet, he bravely dashed across the room and to the exit. Mike’s clumsy exit left Liam fully exposed, and in within eyeshot of a furious Ian Stone. The rest of Liam’s night has been obscured in his mind by port and psychological repression, and sadly he will never enjoy Wimbledon again. We decided that this shocking story could not pass by without a comment from the very top. Unfortunately, Mr. Chamberlain proved to be very uncooperative. “What the fuck? Initiation?! Get out of my office!” spat Chamberlain. Disheartened, we decided that perhaps struggling art dealer Henry Dyson might provide us with answers. Cosied up in the bar with a few bottles of wine, Dyson proved to be very forthcoming. “It all started about 10 years ago, and it’s become something of a institution” chuckled Henry. “The trouble is, money’s been tight these past few years, and it’s “I’m the Vice-Master. The Master of fucking Vice, yeah? Now you tell me that ain’t a fucking job title” Tony Cleaver Shocking Just some of the items used on the night. not just Chamberlain’s gay little feast which has been hit.” Random Photos Grey At It’s Finest After being offered more wine, Henry elaborated further: “No-one was willing to tone down the initiation, so we’ve had to cut down in other areas. That means lino on the SCR floor, and Tesco value toilet paper.” “Believe me, no-one misses Grey Rugby Enjoy Sauna the Charmin more than I do” he added mournfully. We pushed Henry further over what we considered to be a brutal and barbaric form of fun. “Smelly banter Mike, very smelly banter” smirked Henry, with a playfully dismissive hand gesture. We left the bar puzzled. What Lucy ‘Heaven’ Reid Enjoys Bed had seemed savage and inhuman was being described as just a bit of fun. Not a single tutor was willing to speak to us, and only the lubrication of a few bottles of wine had loosened Henry’s lips. We were left to ponder the words we had heard Cleaver Lee Williamson Enjoys Man Arse crow the previous night: “Bring out the ping-pong balls!” Overdue L i brar y L oan s Note: Students cannot g raduate or pass exams at end of year until fines are paid in full! Lee Speakman: The Bill Clinton guide to using power to influence women ‘Where Caesar went wrong’: Holding on to power, for ever, and ever, and ever. Overdue since March. Ben Haytack: The 7 habits of highly effective people 4 weeks overdue from short term loans (£672 fine) Richard Crowther: 1001 Quotes to Amaze your Friends and Family Eley Haslam: How to behave more ladylike Pygmalion The science of bad smells. Having a shower, A couple of weeks overdue “Tanga” Tom Tomlinson: Puberty Unplugged About 8 years overdue PLEASE PAY IMMEDIATELY! Please! In fact, we don’t even care about the fine; just give it back to the library! DAMAGE TO BOOKS: (Important note: You are SCUM!) Gareth Howells: Jurassic Park: The book of the film. Damage to page 161 where Samuel L. Jackson says ‘I can’t get Jurassic Park back online without Dennis Nedry.’ ‘Dennis Nedry’ has been crossed out in red biro, and had ‘Gareth Howells’ written just above. Replacement fee: £8.99 Matt Knight: Margret Thatcher; A biography Numerous pages stuck together somehow. Replacement fee: £15.99 GREY GIRLS GO WILD Record Levels Splash Created as Public Urination Reaches Left: Katy Morrison in a rare moment on porcelain Right: Our photographer catches Andrea Cullen by the college bins First it was the toilets, then it was the sinks, now Grey girls are stopping at nothing to relieve themselves whenever the mood takes them. Grey Matter has learned that public urination amongst female students has reached epic proportions, unprecedented since records began. Miss Grey also-ran Andrea Cullen, who recently spent a penny in the queue for Loveshack, and once pissed in a crisp packet in 24, had this to say: “Aye pet, it were a reet canny piss like, it’s about time us lasses got to paint the town yellow!” Serial offender Katy Morrison yesterday denied claims that she had extended her repertoire of public depravity to include the scatological. “I’ll piss on your doorstep quicker than you can say ‘cystitis’, but I’d never take a social shit – a girls got standards.” Tori Pendlebury - thought by many to be an unlikely public pisser - piped up, her shrill voice braying over the chatter of the lunch queue; “I’d say I was more of a social pisser, I’ll do it if I need to or if Sam [Williams] is doing it.” However, the tidal wave of feminine liberation was met square on by once notable economic bullshitter Matt Knight. “It’s outrageous” spluttered Matt, his wiry frame shaking in exasperation, “This is clearly just another symptom of the fluffy brand of PR welfare bandied about by the pencil pushers down at Old Shire Hall.” When pressed further, Matt added “Is this going to be published? I hope so!” before retiring to the IT room to load his pen drive with 512Mb of Romanian scat porn. A quick straw poll around the Grey Matter office revealed that the only woman on the team had also partaken in the occasional floor spiller. Bursar Karen Blundell was also very forthcoming – with information – and confessed “Yes, I did do some of that back in college”. But when we approached Martyn Chamberlain for comment, he had this to say – “What the fuck are you talking about? Piss!? Get out of my office!” Answer: Because it was actually piss Parish News from the Chaplain Whas’ crackin’ G’s, its your homie David Kennedy, or as I’d like to be known from now on, D-Ken. So, here is my forum to bring the Fountains Hall chaplaincy to the masses, and, just like my man Moses, part the red sea of apathy. So in an effort to modernise and attract new students to the totally dope message of Jesus, I have proposed a number of changes: WINTER WONDERLAND OF JEEZ What we need is a college-wide event that can bring together the whole college under the main man, J-to-the-Cizzle. Basically everyone brings a choice morsel of the Bible, gets wasted on holy wine, and anyone who happens to go to hospital after being bet a Lambourgini that he couldn’t down a pint of vodka, can repent and become a disciple of JC. GREY MATTER “CONFESSIONAL” A splinter magazine, satirising the Bible stories, in an attempt to make things a bit more relevant. Articles include a piece on how the plague of locusts was just college banter with Hatfield that went a bit too far. OPEN DISCUSSION People are concerned with how university Christian Unions appear indoctrinated. I want to prove to everybody that Grey is not at all indoctrinated. I propose that we debate the “hot” topics of abortion and gay marriage. If you decide however, that killing a baby is ok and that the gays have “rights” under God, you won’t be invited back. So, let me know whether I’ve hit the right note. Also, look out for my new purple radio show, “DK’s Bible Break Beat” – a heady mix of banging tunes and scripture. And don’t forget, Christian Union Next Tuesday. Peace, DK Letters To The Editors Dear Editors, By the way, is it actually ok with you guys if I come back to Grey? Butler 2nd Year Nein Tim, piss off Dear Editors, Did you like my hilarious reappearance at the JCR meeting? Smeadows Classic, as ever. Dear Editors, Aye yee fookin’ barsderd English. Reet sumin aboot Scotland! 1st Year Kilt Botherer OK Dougie, it’s shit. Dear Editors, Why do you recycle the same old ‘pint of vodka’ jokes every issue? Faul Purley We’re just jealous. And shouldn’t you be behind the bar? Dear Editors, Did I really piss in the street? Tori Pendlebury No, we made it up. It was a complete lie. Sorry. Dear Editors, What’s this? “Grey Matter”!? Why the fuck is this pile of fucking horse shit in my office?!! Silver Fox, Grey College Sorry Martyn. We’ll have the whiskey sent for immediately. Disclaimer: Quite a lot of this publication is misquoted, made up or just bollocks. If you feel offended, don!t worry, it!s probably not true. But some of it is. Mmmmm... FUN POLICE The end of a cheesy insitution: Charlotte “Trigs” Tregunna and Lee “Spack” Speakman ruin Christmas
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